The Banya

Short Story Series

My buddy Sergei called and insisted on taking me to the sauna. He had been working in Kiev ever since I had arrived in Ukraine, so I had not been able to see him. I'd never been to or considered a sauna, but he was enthusiastic.

This is how it works:  You go there, pay a paltry fee, collect a bundle of birch and eucalyptus leaves, and enter the ramshackle old building down by the river. Once inside, you strip down to your underwear which is a little weird because it is coed, and there's probably 10-15 people sitting on benches in various states of undress. Everyone wears a goofy looking hat, and they’re sipping water, beer, or anyone of thousands of special magic tea concoctions that are prevalent in that part of the world. 

Sergei had instructed me to bring a hat, so I had brought a thick beanie assuming that I needed it to keep warm. The purpose of the hat, as Sergei explained, is to keep your head from getting too hot. Having learned on previous occasions the futility or trying to argue the laws of thermodynamics with Ukrainians and faced with the undeniable fact that everyone was wearing a hat for some reason, I figured it best to just go with the flow regarding the hat. I put on my beanie, and we walked down the short corridor and made our way into the sauna proper. 

The sauna was dark and hot, and there was a bench system made of cedar set up like a miniature stadium. It was, according to the thermometer, 90 degrees. Celsius. There were a dozen people there ranging in age from 10 to 90. The women all had on bikinis, and most of the men were wearing a Tarzanesque type loin cloth thing. Several people were beating themselves with the bundles of leaves. Some were laid out on the benches being beaten by others with the leaves. It was explained that this was a "massage". There was a tub of minty smelling water with leaves into which the people would dip their bundles prior to thrashing themselves. So, being fully unprepared to discuss the chemical properties of camphor or eucalyptus, and sensing the futility of convincing a Ukrainian of the insanity of beating oneself with a handful of leaves in 200F degree heat, I started mimicking the behavior. 

After about seven minutes I was about to fall over, but I’d be damned if I was going to let Sergei outlast me. Thankfully he said we must get out because any more than about 10 minutes could cause brain damage. I considered pointing out the obvious evidence that collective brain damage had occurred long before he and I stepped into the sauna but figured that I would surely die if we didn’t get out immediately.

We went back near the dressing area and sat down.  Serge poured his particular magic tea, a brew his mother had made which he called “tea with berries from forest”. It tasted like a weak cranberry type of juice cocktail. Not bad. Sitting in the drinking area we began to cool off.  Considering the outside temperature was around 30F it took surprisingly long. About ten minutes. So, once cooled, even slightly chilled one might say, we headed back to the oven. It was a bit steamier the second time as one of the patrons had splashed some water on the big pile of heated rocks which kept the room so hellishly hot. The steam had a minty sort of flavor probably from the leaves having been soaked in the water, and as I breathed deep and purposefully, I could feel my sinuses open. Despite the heat and the pouring sweat, it was nice.

After about seven minutes Sergei said it was time to go outside and jump in the river. Now the river, mind you, had been frozen solid the previous week, and there were still large chunks of various sized icebergs floating around in it. As we walked outside, I mentioned this fact to Sergei who was completely undaunted. He advised that yes, a couple of weeks prior they had hacked out a large hole in the ice near the little landing so that sauna patrons could get into the river. Not to be outdone, I walked down the landing and immersed myself in the river. It was like stepping into a vat of acid, but it didn’t really hurt; in fact, it felt really good on some weird level. It is hard to articulate the feeling. Sergei got in the river and dipped his head underwater three times; a mistake on my part, but I didn’t know the rules at the time… 

We quickly went back into the sauna and stayed for about three minutes.  The heat of the sauna was really amazing having just climbed out of the arctic water. I could feel my skin tingling as if a million tiny needles were poking me; but again, it was not painful at all. A few smacks of the leaves during this phase was nice.

We went back to the drinking area and imbibed some more of Sergei’s mom’s concoction. We repeated the process of going in the sauna, dipping in the river, and sipping tea three times. By the last time I was an old pro, successfully dipping my head under the water three times and walking out of the water with considerably more dignity than I had on my first try. We had been there about two hours, and I could have stayed longer.  But my wife had to go to her driving class which meant my babysitting services were in demand.

Sometimes my 10-month-old daughter is an angel sent from on high.  That night she was Hitler’s own screaming Brown Shirt. She yelled in my ear for one solid hour, and everything I tried only seemed to piss her off even more. She finally calmed down about 10 minutes before Momma came home and became once again the little cherub. I ate a quick meal of dumplings and sour cream accompanied by two delicious beers and some dark bread. We bathed the giggly little angel, and I soon went to bed. I slept like a rock.

I had been sporting a couple of nagging injuries. My lower back had been killing me, and my right knee had been acting odd. I woke up the next day feeling like I was 20 years old again. Both my back and my knee felt great. Weird. So, I informed my wife that we must go purchase some traditional sauna gear. I particularly wanted the Tarzan thing and the goofy felt hat. We bought the hat at a local shop, but I had to get the “Tarzanski” (my word) custom made.